Heart. part one

My heart had enough
Evolved, got tough
grew fists and punched
my chest thumped
every time a mean girl
and i were going to fuck
my heart grew up
evolved, grew legs
and ran out
had fun, stood out
evolved and made a mouth
to shout to all what I was about
my heart felt pride
evolved, grew eyes
saw what i had become
and cried.
I took this as an insult
and ripped off his limbs
proceeding to stick him back in
only problem was, next week it'd happen
and endless weeks after happen again
in search for this cycle to end
a new approach was taken
and i talked to my heart as a friend
I asked "where do we begin? what is it you see?"
my heart, the smart arse, sighed, rolled his eyes
offered his palm and said "follow me"

see where I'm going with this?

Perform every night.
Before going on stage I look at my hands
They do not shake.
Many reign in what they wont give back,
a lot of help to get on the right track
I do not take.
To conform to conversations is the norm,
many wear a mask with a smile
Though I am not fake
The pressure can get too heavy for many
a burden, a load when family goes
I will not break
Will not slow down
I will not brake
i say this because i do this
For us.
In the hope that neither will you
and god forbid you do
I always have on me some glue and sticky paper
No matter what we'll get through, get better,
happier and back together
as those that took, shook or hid, live
in a false sense of security, foundations: sloppy
We will not quake
The bones wont break
our muscles wont ache
the sounds wont grate
no matter whats at stake.
and if they do, and they will
we will have learnt, how to feel
when you know what's not
you know what's real
you know what's what?
this talk. It's real.

candy man candy man spit me a dream

Life has been getting in the way of video games recently. My usual indulgences are beginning to feel slightly like a waste of time- there was a picture of carnage the size of a skyscraper fighting the new avengers and it did NOTHING for me! It's not even for my usual, no, former problems. Heartbreak is so far away now i can look back and laugh, properly talk to the thunderbolt without the wanting to cry "don't you see! don't you see!" and doing something crazy, like, something crazy. Which is nice. In small doses. Who wants to see such amazing talent being wasted and degraded like that? Something will be done if i have anything to do with it, just a shame that I'll probably be the only one that does anything.

that's a problem though. A lot of writers only WANT two dimensions. Anything more than a posh person or chav makes them reconsider: "sure we see that it's great, but will the audience?".
no credit goes to you guys. I swear.

now, back to something completely the same.
Some say (joe budden says) to get your mind of an old girl you should get with a new one. I went about all this the wrong way by sleeping with countless women on the spin, half-wanting to fall in love with them and another half-wanting to kick them out of bed just for, not being her. It's not nice but that's what happened. And it's already come back to bite (that's right people, AIDS) and if i don't man-up soon im going to lose one of the few (just kidding about the AIDS) girls i would genuinely like to spend more time with. IF i do. Some people are in relationships just to BE in one. to have another thing to talk about, or because it was forced. I hate that. and i've felt and seen real love, I'm not going to commit to anyone who i don't feel that way towards. i mean, doing that just seems like a waste of time. So no more sleeping around but no relationships.....

lets see how long this'll last.

anyway, there's bigger shit to worry about!!!
Death came and stared me down to the point everything got a little awkward. And you see the downward spiral thats been taken throughout the years reminding on how you've done nothing to help or, have, but not enough.

It was hard, family was involved, but it's over and we must move forward. The bad times are just like the good, they pass- I guess we should just embrace each one and, hope for the best? that's so fucking shitty I don't even want to write this.

grumble.

hay hay haaay

My success is determined through how hard i work. on everything. i put time into being a comedian and started doing well for myself, then told people how great it all was and weirdly cancelled out the work. I'm not good enough to  talk and work at the same time. I should have learned this back at school when i'd joke with antoine during french, he'd be laughing AND working while, well, looking back i guess i was working towards where i am now. a joke maker. heh. Quite simply greatness can come but it must then be maintained. On the constant. Don't act like a big deal, be one.

I don't think there will ever be a point where i can be seamless, able to joke then just hit the stage, there has to be a few hours so i can configure a decent act as being able to just be on stage and 'be funny' isn't as funny as putting in the actual work. nothing comes from nothing- man, no matter how talented you're told you are. The comedy club scene is tough, especially when you go out every night to an audience of mainly swedish tourists- following an accountant doing five minutes of cringe-inducing pedophilia joke- here i am with real london material. i think. no way am i jerry or pryor or izzard or chappelle or, as much as i hate to say it, even gervais good. You realise how tough it can be. Especially when you're starting from the bottom. Last night was my first ever booked gig. Where, they wanted me. to perform. because, they thought i was good!! Great! only problem is i sparred in a bout, and not just that i drunkenly sparred. I was so nervous. and i got a few laughs but it was all really loose, i was just another comedian. another mediocre comedian. I even went over as well- eight minutes! so loose, i just walked off gema (the wonderful compare who booked me) had to show her face to me. That's really unprofessional people. urrrgh sons of fucking bitches. that's the beauty of it all though- it was all my fault. And the only person to make things better is me. No bob hope going on here, folks. But hey, there will be other gigs and the other comedians i met where cool as well- all of them pro's, so there is a slight light at the end of this rather shit-filled tunnel. Don't get me wrong. These are high-class problems. I'm living a dream...

but just like all dreams nothing is quite as right as it all seems...

(lds;ahigoqrkl;adhsfgnviow[aklsdfjnvaos=difh[venrdisaoghklvadinoxhklv[aenodis[lknv)

evolution.